# scripts

episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had— I had to— I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
No, you can't! Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But—but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... You don't got... Y-you don’t gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she— she, she, she's all for you, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You know what, Morty? You're right. Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! I'm put—I’m, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin’... I-I’m, I’m, I’m not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don’t you marry it? What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I’ll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Morty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Okay, with all due respect, Rick— what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Mr. Goldenfold
dialogue:
Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Mr. Goldenfold
dialogue:
Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jessica
dialogue:
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on!


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch let's put your dad here. Let's put your dad in a nursing home.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be—


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Morty. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Morty. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. It defies all logic, that thing.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under- underfoot figure.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Just take these shoes, Morty. They're special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
I told you I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Morty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina, no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Morty, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but-but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Not that you asked, Morty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Morty, and they-they-they— they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left, Morty. It's got no charge left.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y- you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
The fact is, your son, Morty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I don't like it here, Morty. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here!


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your-your parents and I are very disappointed in-in this behavior... No? No takers?


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Oh, don't high-road us, dad. You know fully well that Morty is the last child that needs to be missing classes.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Well, duh doy, son. Look, I love you, Morty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I told the both of you school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out and helping me.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no? You-you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Okay. Well, uh, Morty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family and now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Full disclosure, Morty it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty.


episodeName: Pilot
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more adventures. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Morty. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. Morty's things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or Morty's grounded!


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
That's right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna may--be make sense.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You don't have to try to impress me, Morty. Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Come on, let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. You're frustrating me.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Allahu akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. I didn't take him for an active dreamer. We've got to take him out so he wakes up, Morty but we can't get killed. If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty. Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall - into a giant vat of lava!


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Pretty concise, Morty. Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Morty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Morty. That'll buy us some time to figure this out!


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Okay. All right, well Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. I'll talk to you after lunch.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Morty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Snuffles
dialogue:
Where are my testicles, Summer? ... Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Snuffles
dialogue:
Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the dachshund?


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? I-I-I think it's a good idea, Rick.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Snuffles
dialogue:
You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Morty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You're putting too much pressure on yourself, scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Mr. Goldenfold
dialogue:
Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure I'm giving Morty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Wait a minute. I have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Snuffles
dialogue:
Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Morty. That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
No, no, no, I was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside snuffles' dream.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Snuffles
dialogue:
Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs, one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.


episodeName: Lawnmower Dog
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I think it will be great, Morty. You know it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop. You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this but if you have the flu, stay home, the flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Brad
dialogue:
Dude, Stay in your league! Look at how hot she is! You don't see me going to a bigger school, in a wealthier district and hittin' on their prettiest girl!


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Eh, Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Ahhh, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom, and that's not an urban dis, your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought...


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty, his marriage is hanging from a thread.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty. It's gonna be great.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Hey, listen, Rick. You know how you said that, you know... love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? Well, I was thinkn', you know, www... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing, you know, like maybe make some sort of love potion or something?


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
YOU KNOW WHAT, NO RICK! I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE SCREWDRIVER! Uh, I'm never gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick. I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. Www...what about me, Rick? Www... why can't you just help me out once, once, for once?


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass! Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. You know what a VOLE is, Morty, you know what a vole is?


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It's a, it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical release in the mammal's brain, ...that makes it fall in love. Alright Morty, I just gotta combine it with some of your DNA.


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Alright, Morty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Ya happy now, Morty?


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody want to say "no" to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do ya say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?


episodeName: Rick Potion 9
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
But I obviously sort of love you, don't I? So stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, They need me at the horse hospital.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
Hurry up Morty, Grampa's about to unfreeze time. You know you really should be cleaning from top to bottom.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grampa Rick might make me his new sidekick?


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Who cares about the thing you guys are talking about? The whole point of freezing time is to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Alright, listen, you two, we froze time for a pretty long time, so when I unfreeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
It means relax and stop being a pussy, Morty. I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
...A THING OR TWO ABOUT... wait, what? Was the house...? When we pulled up I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Yeah it would literally destroy them. Now listen, why do—why do—why—why don't you guys go get a free sunday ice cream, go out there and get some ice creams. Here's five hundred dollars cash in unmarked moneys. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and uh, kick it on over to ya. You guys go nuts.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Man that guy is the Red Grin Grumble to pretending he knows what's going on. Oh you agree, huh? You like that Red Grin Grumble reference? Well guess what? I made him up. You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves, don't be sheep.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Yup, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Actually, sorry Summer, I gotta back the M bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Morty to replace all the bank's money with cookies, your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Shut up! Oh crap are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Our time is fractured. You two somehow created a feedback loop of uncertainty that's split our reality into two equally possible impossiblities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
“Mom and Dad?” Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless grounded story about their shitty marriage.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
It's okay, this is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do, you're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be “is”.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Alright, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Good I'm glad it was painful. You do deserve it! I saw you, you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for twenty minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Alright, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, you both wanna be “Grampa's favorite.” I can fix this. Morty sit here, Summer, you sit here. Now listen, I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grampa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming anyway.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. Nurse, please move that snake.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Vet
dialogue:
That's my nurse, and as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs-


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
As a vet, I'm sure you know a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor, so let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out, it's time to save a life!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Vet
dialogue:
Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting or euthenizing them and also when eating them at almost any meal.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
So in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy hysterical bird brained homunculi. And I honestly can't tell the two of you half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. Alright, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Oh God, now there's three of them, we're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! Wait, don't don't do that, they'll know... wait wait, think about getting in the cupboards but don't really. AAAAH IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOU SICK FUCKS? YOU WANNA SEE CHILDREN DIE?


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here! I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Shh shh... I know where you are, you creepy old monster... I know how you think! Oh, is this where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well maybe you're right!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Mortys
dialogue:
Well if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized?


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Only in self defense, myself tried to kill me first! Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it. Well actually, I do expect you to understand that, it's basic math. C-could someone just let me out of here? If I die in a cage I lose a bet.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Hey Rick, it's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it too. Take it easy. Whoa. Damn, look at this, I'm blown up. Three new voicemails. Yeah yeah, I heard this one. You get the idea we're cool now.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty. That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Shut the fuck up! Oh, damn, I'm from the 4th dimension. I can hear all o' y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Ay, damn it, were you tryin' to use this to- oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standin in it you dumn ass three-dimensional monkey ass dummies?


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: All Ricks
dialogue:
Oh, what you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head! He came here in a bubble. For all we know he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsack Land.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all just-just negligent, now ay, ay, ay, the three of you, put your collars on!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Yeah, well I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way you dumb ass, assin' ass asses could ever have one, is if it was stolen.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I would have been happy to pay for it, Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Ututututut! You'd better keep back! Man this will turn your ass into a third trimester fetus from 30 yards.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of Elk, Moose Deer and Stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border, where your jurisdiction ends.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Uh-huh, no motha- no, Earth, dude, I'm talking 'bout, yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you've get to the dolphin people, you've gone too far. Alright man, I'll talk to you later, okay. You know what they do with 3rd dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
You think I wanna be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions man, bringin' you guys in is my ticket up.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Alright, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Well in that case there's 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Lis- ay, to, AH. But these arms are vestigial. Now you poked me where an eye would have been about six million years ago.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer, and I know you wanted to be the one to save it.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You know what I'm talking about, oh yeah. I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Morty. Check me out I'm doing the cabbage patch dance. It's a classic dance, remember, like this. Oh shit look at that.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
I don't know. I think like one sixty-fourth of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have sixty-three other memories of everything.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Um, hold the phone, where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three, am I right?


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Are you guys Power Rangers? But only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Clean up in the fruit isle! Not in a homophobic way though, they're just fruity necklaces is all I was saying.


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Somebody call the planet of Tron, we have three Tron people over here. But seriously, are these Halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles? With green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the 90's? What is this, a 90's nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie “The Craft” with Fairuza Balk?


episodeName: A Rickle in Time
characterName: Testicle Monster A
dialogue:
Yeah, that's him. Hey, man, remember me? I got something for your ass! You don't mess with time! You don't fuck with time, motherfucker!


episodeName: The Wedding Squanchers
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Ughhhh... belchflies towards front doorTurning back around and re-entering dining roomScoffsHovers over Jerry and fully shoves him into underside before flying away through open front door and into skyRuns to front doorFollow BethLooking into skyStill eating cerealUnscrewing and drinking from scotch flaskMorty waveskissing Beth's handHolding a suit in a dry cleaning bag* Your language has 'squanch,' in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out like the Smurf thing?


episodeName: The Wedding Squanchers
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Beth, Squanchy culture is more... contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Mr. Goldenfold
dialogue:
Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi, I’m Morty’s math teacher. I’m also part of the street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Mr. Goldenfold
dialogue:
Ma’am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you wanna play checkers? Let’s be rational! I’ll see you at God’s house!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Nathan
dialogue:
Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America’s got is 70,000 megatons of KABOOM-BOOM! And I say we show it right up this floating head’s ass!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: President
dialogue:
Stand down. Everybody stand down! I’m the leader of these people and I’m unarmed. There’s no need for any more snake-makery.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won’t go away until Earth shows them it’s got a hit song.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly-written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: President
dialogue:
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies”? You people haven’t heard of The-Dream?


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Hi, Principal Vagina. The name’s real, possibly Scandinavian. I’m just gonna come out and make this pitch. The old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true god, the giant head in the sky.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Ah, di di di di. Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that… what have you done for me lately? So if you wanna excuse me, I’m going out on the sidewalk and dropping to my knees and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather! Outta my way!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we’ve done. We’re sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
All right, Morty, let’s get ready to do it! Why don’t you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat?


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Take off your pants and your panties Shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here I’m Mr. Bulldops


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Cromulon
dialogue:
WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE’LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOT THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Uhh, it’s probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Cromulon
dialogue:
Welcome back to Planet Music! First up, let’s hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops. The Greebybobes! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Cromulon
dialogue:
There’s one every season. Moving on to planet Arbolez Meterosos. Arbolian Meterososians. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them with-with-with us if we lose?


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Morty, Morty, stop! Listen! There’s only so much charge left in this thing. If we portal home from here and back, we’re not gonna have enough charge left to get off-world. Get it?


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t get schwifty.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Nathan
dialogue:
We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a nuclear missile at every one of those heads in the sky.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: President
dialogue:
Our planet’s held captive on a live game show and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I’ll put mine in Rick and Morty. “Get Schwifty” was a jam.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Hello? Yes sir, yeah. Thank you sir, thank you. He says he’s proud of what we’re doing and hopes we have a great Ascension Festival! Happy Ascension!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
I think it’s inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. If you’d stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
I love you guys. You gave me life. And it’s the will of the many heads that all children honor their parents.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
We hereby send these un-wantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies! Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Ice-T
dialogue:
A squeegee comes up from the garage, right? And he’s got a lobster in one hand and movie tickets in the other. He’s like, “I’m ready!”


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
And then Ethan played guitar and we learned the Seven Contemplations of the Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the head!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Hi folks, Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It’s 6 p.m., so if you’re a parent, you’re now entitled to adoration from your children.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
Of course I do, silly! Oh my God, daddy, I’m sorry I called you silly! I’m so sorry! Heavenly head and cranial creator! Forgive my transgressions against family and community! May my chores complete me as I complete them!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Ice-T
dialogue:
Ah, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can’t afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I’m sayin’?


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Ice, I don’t want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Morty doesn’t come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it’s, uh, kind of your problem too.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Ice-T
dialogue:
My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don’t care if it blows up! Cause I’ll just be ice, floatin’ through space, like a comet!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: President
dialogue:
Ok, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to “get schwifty.”


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Nathan
dialogue:
I’m setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth’s performance. And you, Mr. President, I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Birdperson
dialogue:
Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Tammy… gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He doesn’t think about the consequences of anything he does.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Birdperson
dialogue:
And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other. And the reason I’m alive at all.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Birdperson
dialogue:
Morty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Headism is a hit. We’re taking it worldwide and would like Jerry to be our church’s “Head” of Advertising.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Principal Vagina
dialogue:
Beth, we’d like to promote you from horse surgeon, straight past human surgeon, to “Head” of Medicine.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
We’ve been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be “our” daughter, not this person she’s become.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
We’ll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? I’m sick of pretending that we’re together because of the kids in the first place! I married you because you’re the love of my life!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
And I‘m lucky to have you and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip and I have it in my cheek but I don’t know what to do with it and it hurts.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: President
dialogue:
It won’t matter how schwifty you get, Morty. The General’s got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth’s song!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Ice-T
dialogue:
That’s right, it’s me, Ice-T! I care now! You made me care more! With all due respect, I’d like to hear what Rick and Morty have to play.


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Cromulon
dialogue:
After 988 seasons of Planet Music, the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Goodbye!


episodeName: Get Schwifty
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Yeah, it’s possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren’t actually related at all.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
ooo... Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest?


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Oh man, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!?


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Alien Doctor
dialogue:
Relax Mr. Smith, you're in an alien hospital. I mean to you it's an alien hospital, to me you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Alien Doctor
dialogue:
It's perfect! The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call "your balls". With relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be molded into a working heart for the most important man in the universe!


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Alright! That's enough. You're talking about my species! We understand genocide, we do it sometimes!


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, where he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know?


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! That was getting coffee! How did she get there!


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Announcer
dialogue:
And sixteen quadrants. There's only enough time for a Jan-Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be in two quadrants at once.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature? Because I think I have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Oh, you know what, I gotta laugh at myself here! I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Hi, honey, so, here's the thing-these guys-they want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart, and we just need you to sign off on it.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Alien Doctor
dialogue:
His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic, now there's a wide range of options to chose from, they're all in this catalog.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Oh, I don't think you do. I bring my husband in for emergency medical treatment, he's gone an hour, and now you want his PENIS, and you hand me some... catalog. It's--It's--It's--It's, I mean.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Alien Doctor
dialogue:
There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life. That his fate will determine the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life forms.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her LOVER INTACT.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Well I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, I think this whole paradigm has sexist overtones.


episodeName: Interdimensional Cable 2 Tempting Fate
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
You know, I think, the bottom line is, Jerry, if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, "I prefer to keep my penis."


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Wow, Rick! That's -- That's one -- one heck of a story. I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Oh, come on. Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect fucks didn't think I was worth your best equipment?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Cornvelious Daniel
dialogue:
Man, I told the money bugs. I said, "You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy, you better give me a decent brainalyzer.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don't see the need to leave this part of my brain.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
I tell ya, the Galactic Federation taking over Earth -- best thing that's ever happened to this family. I just got my sixth promotion this week, and I still don't know what I do.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Don't make my mistake, Summer. Don't deify the people that leave you. You'll end up a horse surgeon in a world controlled by aliens whose medicine keeps horses healthy forever. Horses live longer than tortoises now. Is that what you want for yourself?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Cornvelious Daniel
dialogue:
Someone special you remember? Is that your memory of her out there -- between where you were on 9/11 and your favorite sports blooper?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Cornvelious Daniel
dialogue:
If we stay here, you'll die, along with all your memories. If you take me where I want to go she'll be there, too, won't she?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
Grandpa Rick must have some secret lab, right? With, like, laser guns and jets packs and a space tank! And we can go break him out of prison! Look at these dead flies! Maybe if we arrange them in a certain order, it plays a hologram or it opens a secret door.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Summer, you're freaking me out. I know things have changed a lot, and I know you miss Rick, but getting him back wouldn't make things better. And, you know, we're not doing so bad.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
We're miserable, Morty! There's a mandatory curfew, their weird calendar made me 47, and they weaponized the Eiffel Tower!


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
Because you suck! You've been keeping your lip zipped about it since Grandpa got arrested, but the fact is, you're freaking stoked to bail on him.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
He bails on everybody! He bailed on Mom when she was a kid! He -- He bailed on tiny planet! And in case I never made this clear to you, Summer, he bailed on you. He left you to rot in a world that he ruined because he doesn't care! Because nobody's special to him, Summer, not even himself. So, if you really want your grandpa back, grab a shovel. The one that won't let you down is buried in your backyard!


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Yeah, I'd like to get a 10-piece McNugget and a bunch of the Szechuan sauce. Like, as much as you're allowed to give me. In 1998, they had this promotion for the Disney film "Mulan," where they -- where they -- they created a new sauce for the McNuggets called Szechuan sauce, and it's delicious! And then they got rid of it, and now it's gone. This is the only place we're gonna be able to try it, is in my memory.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Summer, nobody has to know about that. We could put it right back and pretend we never saw it, like we did with Dad's mannequin leg.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
These are the parts of Rick's adventures you don't get to see -- the parts he leaves behind. All right, it's been great, guys. I really only wanted to stop by here for a quick "I told ya so." So, uh--


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Yeah. That's the three lines of math that separates my life as a man from my life as an unfeeling ghost.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Cornvelious Daniel
dialogue:
Yeah! Thanks, Rick. I'll try to remember to shut off the brainalyzer. Actually, I think it shuts off automatically once your brain is liquid. Don't know, don't care. Pull me out. Hey, pull me out! Can you hear me?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Because the code you just uploaded wasn't actually my portal-gun formula, it was a virus giving me full control over the brainalyzer.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Okay, have fun in what's left of my brain. I'm gonna transfer to yours. Oh, there's not enough room for all my genius, so I'm leaving you with my fear of wicker furniture, my desire to play the trumpet, my tentative plans to purchase a hat, and six years of improv workshops. Comedy comes in threes.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
It's the Citadel of Ricks. All the different Ricks from all the different realities got together to hide here from the government.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Riq IV
dialogue:
Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Riq IV
dialogue:
It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
I say fuck you! My grandpa was my hero. You killed him because you were jealous of him. That's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection. I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake. Everything right is wrong. All you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well -- well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon or a super fucked up god.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Oh, yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive. And if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Riq IV
dialogue:
All right, calm down! We have his Summer as a hostage. Obviously, I get her. You guys play Rick, Laser, Scissors for the Morty.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
What -- What's this supposed to accomplish? We have infinite grandkids. You're trying to use Disney bucks at a Caesar's Palace here.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
20 yards, nine-gauge plasma pistol, My first shot would liquify her insides and injure you, second shot adds recoil. The risk to me is minimized if I wait for you to shoot her, which I'm encouraging you to do.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Because it's incentive for you to give me my cleanest shot, which will be your least painful death. But if you want to die slower than that, I'm super into it. All you got to do to get that started is kill the girl.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
You're a serious fuckin' idiot, Morty! You basically killed us all! You're the worst! You're as dumb as a bag of sand.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Good pitches, kids. I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Jerry
dialogue:
Look, I-I'm not proud to share this, but the truth is, I just kept crawling, and it kept working. Oh, I'm glad you're okay. Are we ever going to stop paying for indulging your father? Our children, our planet, our jobs? Is there anything left to lose?


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Oh, God, Dad, that is not your burden to bear. I feel terrible that I misjudged you. This is gonna be good for Jerry.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
I better tend to Jerry before he changes his mind and doesn't move out. I will leave you two to your adventures.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
Oh, my God. Nancy says they're drawing and quartering aliens in the school courtyard, and it technically counts as patriotism.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty -- just you and me -- and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different -- no more Dad, Morty.


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I've replaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home -


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
- without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. Oh! I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom -


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
- and do whatever I say, Morty, forever! And I'll -- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that "Mulan" Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty. -


episodeName: The Rickshank Rickdemption
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty! That was fake. I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
"And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Oh, my God. Beth, oh, it totally slipped my mind. Geez, oh, man. I'm a pickle. I mean, I don't know if I can, ooh, geez.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Great question, Summer. The unfortunate answer is I did this to challenge myself. And it could take hours or even days before I'm able to figure out how to return to human form. But, I mean, you know, your mom could put me in a purse or a pocket, you know, if she really needs me to go.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Nobody needs anything! Okay, it's fine. I mean, you should just stay here and figure out how to stop being a pickle, okay?


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid hanging directly over you? Also, why is the string attached to it running through a pair of scissors attached to a timer? And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy?


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Well, Morty, if you know must know, the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion, and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Well, I mean, you don't want to get pierced by a needle full of liquid unrelated to your situation. How's that gonna help?


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Hey, hey, be careful with that. It's for something else. It's really important, so don't break it. Okay, I may have fucked up here. Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah. T-t-tah, tah. Oh, great. Stupid cat.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I know what it looks like to you, Izzy, but I'm not a snake! I've seen the YouTube videos, I know cats are scared of cucumbers and pickles because they think they're snakes. I'm not a snake! I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle!


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Okay, come on. This can't really be the way I go out. This is the mega-genius equivalent of dying on the toilet.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
It's nobody's choice to be here, you knobs. The family was told to get counseling by your principal, even though it's not the family that was huffing pottery glaze in the art room and desk wetting in history class.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
He got wrapped up in an experiment. He's a scientist. Like, legit, like on an inter-galactic, sci-fi level. His work is very --


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Morty, Mom's talking. I'm sorry, I suppose that's a good segue into our little discipline cases here.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Oh, Jesus Christ, one of these. No, my father has never turned himself into a pickle before. He's unpredictable and eccentric. The whole family is. Speaking of which...


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Dr. Wong
dialogue:
Okay, let's open things up to the whole family, and let me ask this. Why do we think Grandpa turned himself into a pickle?


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Dr. Wong
dialogue:
Let's do an experiment here. I get the impression this family values science. So raise your hand if you feel certain you know what was in the syringe.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Well, Dr. Wong -- by the way, racist name -- obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run around what was supposed to be their therapy.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Dr. Wong
dialogue:
Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other to the heart of your family's dysfunction. I think it's possible that you and your father have a very specific dynamic. I don't think it's one that rewards emotion or vulnerability. I think it may punish them. I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage, and is infecting your kids with a tendency to misdirect their feelings.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
By the way, you might notice that in spite of your numerous distinctive features, I never gave you a name like Scar or Stripe or Goliath. That's because, to me, you aren't special.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
...because this pickle doesn't care about your children. And I'm not gonna take their dreams. I'm gonna take their parents.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angry at mommy" out loud.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Dr. Wong
dialogue:
It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, you could ask him --


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
He won't have to ask for it, okay? He won't need it. He'll just make more. He doesn't need anything from anyone.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, but killing you gets me to her quicker than your derivative bullshit.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Agency Director
dialogue:
Pickle Man, there's $100 million worth of bonds in a safe on level two. I'll give you the combination.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Oh, well, uh, she knows. I mean, we don't really buy into that kind of crap, to the extent that love is an expression of familiarity over time, my access to infinite timelines precludes the necessity of attachment. In fact, I even abandoned one of my infinite daughters in an alternate version of earth that was taken over by mutants.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Summer
dialogue:
I am mad that I can't huff enamel without people assuming it's because my family sucks. I hope to be seen one day as someone that just likes getting high.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Dr. Wong
dialogue:
I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you. Your daughter holds you in very high regard. You're a lucky fella.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
It's a serum that I need to, uh, to stay alive. I have had a rough day. And, uh, I've sustained a lot of damage. I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Pickle Rick
dialogue:
Because I don't respect therapy, because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So...you asked.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Dr. Wong
dialogue:
Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk -to belittle my vocation- just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe, and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces. Your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some pee well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Beth
dialogue:
Oh, it's fine. I mean, thank you, and, yeah, you shouldn't. But I hope you know that's not what that session was supposed to be.


episodeName: Pickle Rick
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
This is it, Morty. We're goners. We're not getting out of this one. After everything we've been through, this is how we're gonna die. Make peace with your god.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Don't let any of those things get away, Morty. If their DNA gets into Earth's food chain, our entire species could be sterilized.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake! They're first line of defense against evil! They're the guardians of the unguarded!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty! They're a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking and twenty minutes jumping around while shit blows up. They're a phase. We did one, it was the big event of that summer. Let it die.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
I, Morty Smith, invoke my right to choose one in every ten Rick and Morty adventures. Read 'em and weep.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
..and this time, he's out to end more than worlds. We have reason to believe his stronghold is located on...


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
...the Terraneus system. Once in range, Million Ants will scan for pheromone activity, which should lead us to the location of the base.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Oh, that's Million Ants. I can't see the ants over here. It just assumed that was, uh, Turd Man. Wiggly Turd Man.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Right, Crocubot. So, you're half-cold, unfeeling reptile, half-also cold, equally-unfeeling machine.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
Noob-Noob, we're having a briefing! If I can continue, Rick. I anticipate sophisticated security measures. I trust you can be of service there.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well, let me check my list of powers and weaknesses. Ability to do anything... But only whenever I want... Yeah, that sounds like a job for me.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Alan Rails, ladies and gentleman. After his parents' tragic death in a railroad accident, he gained the power to summon ghiost trains. It's not all bad, though. They were spared having to see their grown son wear a whistle!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
We weren't here "last time", remember? They did a whole Vindicators without us. A bunch of them got killed, too. They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde...


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Don't worry, Morty, they love you. Superheroes need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it's mind-blowing.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Jesus... How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad, they murdered three innocent heroes of color, and they still had to bring me back?


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Uh, the adventure is the favor, Morty. Me sleeping on these linens is the favor. I mean, w-w-w-what--what are we vindicating? Comfort?


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
Good morning. Looks like your grandpa had a long night. Crocubot, why don't you escort Mr. Sanchez to a more comfortable spot so that someone can... clean up his diarrhea.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Vance
dialogue:
Morty, the Vindicators and I had a chat this morning and I'm afraid we need to make a little change.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Vance
dialogue:
Cop a squat, chief. Everyone in the universe is a hero. All you have to do is know the difference between good and bad, and root for good.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Really? You don't say. You would have used a ghost train? Hey, everybody, the ghost train guy would have used a ghost train!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Is there coffee? Hey, Morty, can you be a pal? Grandpa left his coffee maker on the ship. Y-You know, the French press thing?


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
All right. Short mission, good mission. Remember when Alan wanted to use a ghost train? See you guys in Vindicators 4. Morty?


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well, have fun with that. But Morty and I have to meet a comet girl, a monorail man, two assholes and a full alligator in, like, an hour.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
Check, check, One, two. Okay, is it recording? Good. Hello, Vindicators. Welcome to your reckoning, babyyyyyyyy!!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
Obviously? You came here and defeated our arch-nemesis while so drunk, you don't remember doing it? That's something obvious to you?


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Look, I'm a lit-- little more complex than you guys and, no offense, but I've always suspected that a lot of what you do in a year could be knocked out in a couple of hours.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
Okay, here we go, room number one. The Vindicators are known throughout the galaxy, but do they know yourselves? Do you know yourselves? Match your... your shit, your... your gimmicks with your faces and y-you get it, it's a matching thing. And do it in three minutes, or you'll all die.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Vance. He said you'd die if you tried to leave. That means there's booby traps.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Vance
dialogue:
Oh, so you're the leader now because we gave you a jacket?! You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo-ops with!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
It was a bit. All of the descriptors apply to all of you. Drunk Rick's point is that none of you are very special or different. That's always his point.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
The Vindicators say their job is is to fight evil wherever it hides, but they don't... pick the location you'll... you'll never even hear them mention, because to fight darkness is to fight yourself.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
Doomnomitron was hiding here! He's a shapeshifter! Destroying Dorian 5 was the only way to kill him!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
In a way that has no point! You just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations, and then you pass out!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic, which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I don't either. I-I'm just saying, if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel, he wants what's best for it and...


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
Aloha... means hello and goodbye in Hawaii. But, uh, aloha means... has nothing to do with this room. I'm so fucking drunk. Ugh, okay, here's the deal. I-I want to rest my eyes for a little bit. I'm--I'm not going to sleep. I just... just need to rest my eye, so let's make this one simple. Just try to hit some three-pointers.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
let's say... you have to hit... five three-pointers in... five minutes or, I don't know, the whole place--the whole planet will get blown up with a n-neutrino bomb. And try to make it a-a lesson about yourselves like, like how... selfish you a-are, or something. Also, Hawaii.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
You guys hit the baskets. I'll disarm the drunkenly-improvised neutrino bomb. There's a 40% chance it's a dud, but y-you should still stay back.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Alan
dialogue:
Sure, but were we married when you two were "stranded" on Delphi 6 for three days? Because I sensed something was weird when you can back. But what do I know about sensitivity? I'm just a phantom train conductor. You're the pile of ordinary bugs that fucked my wife!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today; the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood...


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can a eat a double-decker shit sandwich. Disarmed.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Alan
dialogue:
Did it feel good?! Did you like his six million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent penis?!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
I conceived a child with Million Ants and it died inside me because it as HALF A MILLION ANTS AND HALF COLLAPSING STAR! And yes, he was better than you!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Supernova
dialogue:
Is that sarcasm?! I don't want you slipping away then this is over! All of these deaths are on your hands!


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
All right, buy now, I've been pretty clear that I thunk the Vindicators are full of shit. But... you do have one thing I'll never have. And that thing is the only part of the Vindicators with any value to me. if you know what it is, place it on the platform.Guess wrong and the pla... planet will explode. And probably the solar system, 'cause I kind of fucking eyeballed the neutrino bombs on this one.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
I think... no matter what we put on there, we die. he said it's the part of the Vindicators he values. That means nothing. He wants our last moment alive to be spent knowing how few fucks he gave.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Hey, I don't know. I mean, look, when I get drunk, I get stupid and emotional and there's no logic to it. it's, like, possible I got so drunk, I felt like I was losing Morty to the Vindicators, and maybe this is my way of saying "Okay, you can have him, but only if you know how important he is, otherwise I'll kill you."


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Look, I... there's nothing in the room but us. I'm just using logic to connect some dots. It's the best guess I've got.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well, Morty, I think you're making that smirky face because you're misinterpreting the moment. I am not being coy about some hidden love for you. I want to be really clear that, if anyone has a better guess, like, if I gave you an amulet last night, or...


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
Sorry, I'm... not good at goodbyes. It looks like I'm never gonna see you again. I can't really roll with the hero types, and I don't... th-they don't want me around. But I want... you to know, even if I didn't show it at the time, II really appreciated you sticking by me.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
...but you really stuck your neck out when you gave me props for my awesome jokes in the briefing room. Everybody else had their heads so far up their ass. Even my own grandson is like, "Oh, the Vindicators are so cool." I mean, he's a moron, it's their... demographic. But you're different, Noob-Noob.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Drunk Rick
dialogue:
You're fucking cool! And you're smart! And I bet we coulda hung out and shit! And I hope you get to be a full-fledged Vindicator! A-And d-do me a favor. Do-Don't let him know I... I got emotional. But you can tell him one thing. Tell him I said... Oh, fuck. Okay, I just shit myself. Okay, later.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Million Ants
dialogue:
Titty-Bean, listen to me. When you came to me, I was merely a sentient colony of ants. It was your beliefs, your pursuit of justice, that taught me to be a man.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Announcer
dialogue:
Let's give a huge thanks to Rick Sanchez for killing Worldender, putting this awesome party together, and for booking one of the hottest talents out there


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Look at that. Geez, I must've planned a whole party. Invited a bunch of people. Not bad, Drunk Rick, not bad.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Morty, twenty people try to kill me every week. I end up getting high with half of 'em. I mean, check it out, Gear Head's here.


episodeName: Vindicators 3 The Return of Worldender
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Everyone in the universe is a hero, Mom. Which is why we don't need jackets. And I'm pretty sure we don't need Vindicators.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
What are you, stupid? We’re done with the Citadel of Ricks. I was never on board with it in the first place, that’s why I murdered everyone in charge and left it to rot.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
Geez. I didn’t know there were still Ricks and Mortys living on the Citadel. I wonder what their day-to-day lives are like.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Well, you can keep wondering that while we go on our fun, fresh, self-contained adventure to Atlantis. Anyone continuing to explore the Citadel is either stupid, or one of the unfortunate millions held hostage by their terrible ideas.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Narrator
dialogue:
Sixteen iterations off the central finite curve, there’s a Rick that works more with wood than polarity plating.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Narrator
dialogue:
And the chemical that makes his brain secrete goes into every Simple Rick’s Simple Wafer Cookie. Come home to the impossible flavor of your own completion. Come home to Simple Rick’s.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Teacher Rick
dialogue:
Very amusing, Mr. Smith. Almost as amusing as when your first Rick was decapitated on Zorpathion 9. Or was that your third Rick? How many Ricks have you had?


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Teacher Rick
dialogue:
I see. So you are top of the class in something. Tomorrow you will be transferred to your new Ricks. Hopefully, they will be your last. Yes, Slow Ri-- Tall Morty?


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Cop Morty
dialogue:
No Ricks, no families, high off their asses and runnin’ amok. Mortys are raised to be sidekicks. Without a side to kick, they just start kickin’.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Cop Morty
dialogue:
I hear that, ah geez, I guess I’m supposed to be figuring out who robbed the store across the street but aw geez I dunno.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Morty 1
dialogue:
Well, maybe the uniform makes a big difference. Who am I to say? To me, you just look like a sidekick.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Candidate Morty
dialogue:
You guys finished? The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Candidate Morty
dialogue:
I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we’re all the same because they’re threatened by what makes us unique.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Candidate Morty
dialogue:
I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we’re too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Candidate Morty
dialogue:
I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss’s salary, even though they’re identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel’s problem isn’t homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Candidate Morty
dialogue:
But I’ve got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message… from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don’t


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Rick J-22
dialogue:
Your life is a lie, man. All your lives are lies! Don’t you get it?! They told us we were special because we were Ricks, but they stripped us of anything that made us unique!


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Rick J-22
dialogue:
I-I-I want a portal gun. Unregistered, untraceable, with enough fluid to take me off this goddamn prison!


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Cop Morty
dialogue:
It doesn’t matter. Nothing’s wrong with putting your faith in a Morty. You just gotta pick the right one.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Slick
dialogue:
You wanna know why? Because of this! I'm part of an experimental line of Mortys with a trauma implant. How do you think it feels, Fat Morty, to know that no matter where I go, I'll always be the one that makes everybody sad and... a little bored?


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Cop Morty
dialogue:
"The Creepy Morty". What is it your kind's always saying? "Don't think about it." Come on. There's someone important I want you to meet.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Cop Morty
dialogue:
Big Morty likes to contribute to keeping the peace in Mortytown. Think of him as a drug lord, and us his cops on his payroll.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Cop Morty
dialogue:
Oh, Grandpa Rick! I don't wanna be on the Citadel anymore! I want to be a regular kid! I want to go to school and throw balls around and masturbate!


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Rick J-22
dialogue:
A portal to the Blender Dimension?! That's the oldest trick in the book! I'm a Rick! I'm more Rick than any of you!!


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Narrator
dialogue:
There's a Rick who held a factory hostage after murdering his boss and several co-workers. The factory made cookies, flavored him with lies.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Narrator
dialogue:
He made us all take a look at what we were doing, and at the bargain he got a taste of real freedom.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Narrator
dialogue:
We captured that taste, and we keep giving it to him so he can give it right back to you, in every bite of new Simple Rick Freedom Wafer Selects. Come home to the unique flavor of shattering the grand illusion. Come home to Simple Rick.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Campaign Manager Morty
dialogue:
He's alive?! No, no, no! You gotta listen to me! I-I worked for him! I was his campaign manager! That Morty is not what he seems.


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Morty
dialogue:
I'm really hoping it wasn't a one-off thing and I can see her again. By the way, hey, um... still not curious about what might've happened at that crazy Citadel place?


episodeName: Tales From the Citadel
characterName: Rick
dialogue:
Pssh! Not at all, Morty. That place will never have any bearing over our lives ever again. Unlike that mermaid puss! Yeah!! We're going back for seconds! We're gonna do that shit every week, man! That was Atlantis!


